Texts From Last Night · 8=✊=>💨😜's Favorites

8=✊=>💨😜's Favorites Texts:

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You could paint cock rings as wreaths.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You told your family you're bi over the phone?!

(240): View more from Maryland

We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.

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(406): View more from Montana

He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched

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(224): View more from Illinois

I am never drinking with the goths again.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.

(727): View more from Florida

Who says it wasn't?

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.

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(801): View more from Utah

He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

Why haven't you proposed already?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.

(816): View more from Missouri

May his noodley appendage touch you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?

(945): View more from

dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual

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(561): View more from Florida

I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.

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(256): View more from Alabama

If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.

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(217): View more from Illinois

BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS

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(269): View more from Michigan

Strip club or gay bar tonight?

(989): View more from Michigan

I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.

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(353): View more from

Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church

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(618): View more from Illinois

There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead

(1-618): View more from Illinois

TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?

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(206): View more from Washington

At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??

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(630): View more from Illinois

Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob

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(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.

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(1-517): View more from Michigan

So what did you do since you didn't go out?

(517): View more from Michigan

...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.

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(720): View more from Colorado

side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.

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(613): View more from Ontario

He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

gay sex achievement: unlocked

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

what

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

you told me you were going out for groceries!!

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs

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(614): View more from Ohio

We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.

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(206): View more from Washington

I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.

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(872): View more from Illinois

i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.

(931): View more from Tennessee

BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Oh my god I found my bf's erotica

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend

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(512): View more from Texas

I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA

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(818): View more from California

The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?

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(714): View more from California

I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.

(1-714): View more from California

DAD WTF

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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(425): View more from Washington

with great strapon comes great responsibility.

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(914): View more from New York

it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(224): View more from Illinois

my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno

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(810): View more from Michigan

Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I still maintain we were not that drunk......

(810): View more from Michigan

Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.

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(727): View more from Florida

Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.

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(801): View more from Utah

I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!

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(330): View more from Ohio

I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.

(224): View more from Illinois

That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

it was a sexy soul patch.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

askmom@cause.idk

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(616): View more from Michigan

your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?

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(630): View more from Illinois

The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Stop watching porn on my work computer.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.

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(713): View more from Texas

you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf

(337): View more from Louisiana

OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.

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(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

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(916): View more from California

She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.

(510): View more from California

See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed

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(561): View more from Florida

His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?

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(636): View more from Missouri

You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.

(314): View more from Missouri

You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.

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(407): View more from Florida

He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.

(510): View more from California

I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.

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(209): View more from California

Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.

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(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later

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(703): View more from Virginia

I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it

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(614): View more from Ohio

Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

YOU DID WHAT???

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(309): View more from Illinois

He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on

(226): View more from Ontario

Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see

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(206): View more from Washington

Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers

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(817): View more from Texas

On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.

(682): View more from Texas

Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Spopky scrzy skeletonssz

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

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(315): View more from New York

we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(714): View more from California

I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.

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(432): View more from Texas

I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.

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(602): View more from Arizona

A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me

(480): View more from Arizona

its gonna be a great night

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(716): View more from New York

Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

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(775): View more from Nevada

This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."

(239): View more from Florida

I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.

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(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

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(619): View more from California

I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.

(619): View more from California

.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.

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(661): View more from California

Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.

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(325): View more from Texas

She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can give you five reasons its your baby

(978): View more from Massachusetts

and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.

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(213): View more from California

I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.

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(512): View more from Texas

Where'd you go last night?

(512): View more from Texas

Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.

(720): View more from Colorado

School starts next week

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(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,

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(269): View more from Michigan

CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO

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(817): View more from Texas

she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.

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(408): View more from California

If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?

(334): View more from Alabama

Oh we're gynecologists

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(706): View more from Georgia

To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.

(706): View more from Georgia

Touche.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often

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(914): View more from New York

Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."

(404): View more from Georgia

BAT SHIT CRAZY

(404): View more from Georgia

It's you're fault, even though I never called

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!

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(954): View more from Florida

She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?

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(951): View more from California

Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.

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(303): View more from Colorado

These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards

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(404): View more from Georgia

Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): View more from Arizona

It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

can i bring anything?

(443): View more from Maryland

Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

is there a theme i should know about?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(425): View more from Washington

When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool

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(954): View more from Florida

Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.

(954): View more from Florida

I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?

(1-954): View more from Florida

A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think

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(719): View more from Colorado

It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(386): View more from Florida

You've never sent a girl a dick pic?

(772): View more from Florida

Call me old fashioned

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(209): View more from California

you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(435): View more from Utah

Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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(801): View more from Utah

Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too

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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(480): View more from Arizona

He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

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(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(208): View more from Idaho

I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The paramedics were not my fault this time.

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(727): View more from Florida

I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club

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(207): View more from Maine

CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

(207): View more from Maine

Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off

(720): View more from Colorado

I mean come on

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(785): View more from Kansas

That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse

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(647): View more from Ontario

We're like a dynamic duo.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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(415): View more from California

I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.

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(818): View more from California

Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.

(818): View more from California

Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

(509): View more from Washington

you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

(971): View more from Oregon

goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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(618): View more from Illinois

One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(646): View more from New York

I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): View more from Missouri

Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't get it..

(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry. But to the original question please.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal

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(727): View more from Florida

I felt guilty, it was so good!

(1-727): View more from Florida

Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.

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(706): View more from Georgia

URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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(812): View more from Indiana

The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.

(503): View more from Oregon

I'm on the job.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(224): View more from Illinois

Is it rude if I don't go?

(248): View more from Michigan

No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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(707): View more from California

I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

(408): View more from California

Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock

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(515): View more from Iowa

Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(602): View more from Arizona

The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast

(480): View more from Arizona

I'm so there

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(310): View more from California

I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.

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(214): View more from Texas

I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors

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(716): View more from New York

If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.

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(623): View more from Arizona

That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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(757): View more from Virginia

Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Steaks?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Ash Wednesday.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(507): View more from Minnesota

No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.

(320): View more from Minnesota

It's ok, February is a short month

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let's get weird.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's 10 am...

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm assuming that means you're not busy...

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(408): View more from California

We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.

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(469): View more from Texas

I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

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(916): View more from California

Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.

(1-916): View more from California

Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.

(802): View more from Vermont

'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm a sociology major remember

(301): View more from Maryland

Well that and comm

(479): View more from Arkansas

Basically you majored in how to get laid

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!

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(330): View more from Ohio

151 hangover. Need apocalypse.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you have paint?

(727): View more from Florida

Paint? I wish

(727): View more from Florida

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.

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(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us

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(760): View more from California

Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.

(432): View more from Texas

You're so wise.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control

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(+61): View more from Australia

What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?

(1+61): View more from

Mobile recharge?

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?

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(530): View more from California

.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

(763): View more from Minnesota

like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

(612): View more from Minnesota

Wat

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(708): View more from Illinois

we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(602): View more from Arizona

The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

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(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(713): View more from Texas

Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

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(708): View more from Illinois

There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(845): View more from New York

I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(626): View more from California

AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN

(1-626): View more from California

we're fated to lesbian

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(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(503): View more from Oregon

ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(731): View more from Tennessee

We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

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(630): View more from Illinois

You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to know

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..

(973): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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